Jacob's Apology

There are no words to describe how terrible i feel.
For those who don't know...last night, Saturday July 19th, the second year students of the track program at Portland Actors Conservatory were given a farewell party. For people like me in the first year of the program it is tradition to assist with the party. I was responsible for ten dollars and some pizza and just showing up at the party to give my best wishes and participate in a little presentation.
But alas...I did not make it.
We were given the date long ago to remember and we have been planning it for a long time...and then...I don't show up.
I let people down.
Indstead I was stuck doing a thirteen hour shift at my new job so i can still keep my car.
Blah blah blah excuses excuses, I know, you hate em.
I had NO clue that it was yesterday. When I got my voice mail from Jack saying she was at the party I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought maybe she meant we were having another meeting to plan the party or...just some other random party i didn't know about. But then it slowly sunk in...oh shit! THE party.
I got out of work at 10:15, the part started around 7 30. there was no way in hell i could make it. And if I did the party would long be over.
And then the self-hatred sinks in.
My god they're all gonna hate me.
My god they'll never forgive me.
My god Beth will be disappointed.
My god my future in the acting business is over!!
The last one a bit extreme but all the same i couldn't help but think it.
Being in PAC is more than just about YOUR pursuit to be a better actor. It's about being a part of the team.
I love all my fellow student at PAC and I am so glad to know them and have these classes with them. The entire Portland Actors Conservatory just feels so right to me, I feel safe, secure, comfortable and welcome. And then it appears like I took advantage of all of that.
Boy if I could go back in time.
How could I forget? What kind of an idiot who has been part of the planning process the whole time comes back with the excuse: I had no idea?
Well enough of my self-deprication. I thuroughly and whole-heartedy apologize to both the first years and the second years and beth and chris and everybody.
I wish nothing but the best for the graduatied second-years. I enjoyed watching them very VERY much and I have seen them grow as we first-years grow and I hope those who decide to continue the pursuit of acting all the best.
To Beth I want to say I'm sorry.
To Vinnie I will have your ten doallars...and interest.
Hopefully I will continue to be welcome at PAC.
I will see most of you on Monday. Sorry again.
And I do hope the party was enjoyable for everybody.

Showcase Madness

It has begun! OK, OK, it's about to begin. But rehearsals are done with, and I have received my last note ever from Beth Harper. For that matter, from any PAC teacher! How crazy an idea is that? Pretty f-ing crazy. Now it is time to get up there and try my best to do PAC proud.

I would like to publicly thank all the amazing teachers who have been an important part of my life for the last two years. There really is nothing I can say that would express what I feel for all of you, so I'm not going to try. I can only hope that you have some idea of what you mean to me and what you have done for me. This is the point at which I would start to cry if I were saying this out loud, so I think I'll just stop. I love you all.

- Tom

PS I should know by now that I get weird and sentimental in the small hours of the night and avoid embarrassing myself in this manner. Oh well.

Looking Back

I remember about a year ago, when Level III had just ended, one of the class of 2007 saying something like "you guys were so much better than we were last year," and thinking, "yeah, right, but thank you for the nice words." And yet here I am thinking the very same thing about this year's Level III classes. I like to think that I've come a long way since that day I faced an audience for the first time, but on Monday it seemed like those actors had already moved beyond where I am now. I am trying not to feel bitter about it. :)

Congratulations to the Level III classes! You made me laugh, you made me cry - well, not really, I am far too manly for that - you made me proud of all of you.

- Tom

A Moment of Clarity

Play! That's what it is. It was right there staring me in the face all along. It took me, how long? Since last August or something to run into this damn elephant. Hello Mr. Elephant, thank you for waiting patiently.

After spending so much time with everyone this last year, we have all created such a wonderful part of this living creature that is The Portland Actor's Conservatory. After watching everyone perform their scenes, it hit me hard...we've been up to something! I can say with all my heart that I am proud of every one of us. We have all found ourselves in some strange place, not at all unlike where we were whenever we began this quest of ours. Along the way, we have all made some very beautiful breakthroughs, thanks to much sweat, frustration and dancing.

During our final presentations for Acting 3, I realized what we have all been working towards and somehow found. That room was alive. We were alive. We found that magic thing that is called play. Thank you Beth, Phillip, Connor and everyone for your occasional gentle nudges, and more often not so gentle nudges. I got it. We are not here to "do it right" or to try. We are here to do. We are here to play. I look forward for much more sweat, frustration, dancing and especially playing in level 4, and beyond. Bring it on!